I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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