she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
