Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
