i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
