nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
