i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
