i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
