I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
