dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
