I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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