If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The best revenge is premature balding
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
