There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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