Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
