OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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