I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
