I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm experimenting with sincerity