guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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