Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize