Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
where are my eyebrows?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
