I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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