Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
