I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
