i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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