youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
