I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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