Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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