drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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