New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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