We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
