dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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