I swear she didn't look like that last week.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
