dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
