Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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