Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
