I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
