Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
