Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
