So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
