Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
