Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
