My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
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I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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