so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
