at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
