So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Can I color on your dick again?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
