so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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