i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
