capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
