1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
