Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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