i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
