Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
