??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
