What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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