I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
they need to just BURY HIM!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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