Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
