never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize