Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
we should paint friendship bongs
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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