At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
