Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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So much Jack, so little girl.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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