Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
is it fun? or sober?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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