I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
